Yesterday was our first appointment with Shady Grove Fertility. I spent hours researching infertility and some options we may or may not have. I thought that would help me prepare for everything the doctor was going to say. It didn’t. I wasn’t prepared. I felt like a deer in headlights. I have no idea what all of the acronyms they throw out mean and I found myself frustrated. We had to fill out a ton of paper work after the appointment. It was like purchasing a house… with much tougher questions. First, we had to decide if we would want our remaining embryos frozen after our first transfer. Sure… I think.
Then, there was this question…
“What do you want us to do with you embryos if something happens to two both of you?”
WHAT? I didn’t prepare for that question. It actually never crossed my mind that it would even be asked. We will have frozen embryos just waiting for us to use them. If one of us passes away, the embryos’ still belong to the living person. This just makes me feel weird; I am making plans for my children before they are even conceived. I don’t know how I feel about it. I am trying to understand that it is okay to do this. I am thanking God for giving us such brilliant people who will make it possible for us to have a family.
Then the question, “if you do not want them anymore can we do research on them or if they die what do you want us to do them the remaining tissue?” Um… okay, it will help other people out right?
Who has to make decisions like this? Why do we have to? Why can’t we be like other people who can get pregnant naturally? If he wasn’t injured, this wouldn’t have been an issue. I hate these questions and I feel bad for feeling them but… I feel them. Kevin does not deserve to feel like this is his fault, because it is not his fault in the least bit. I’m very much in love with him and I wouldn’t change a thing. I know he feels guilty sometimes, but he shouldn’t. If all of these things didn’t happen, I’m not sure that we would have been brought together. So I will take the good, the bad, and the ugly because I found true honest love.
Then I think about all the exciting parts of the beginning of a pregnancy and it makes me a little bit sad. Announcing to your husband that you are pregnant and the excited look on his face, what beats that (besides obviously his face when our child is brought into this world…man I cannot wait for that moment)? Telling your parents that they are going to be Grandparents, telling your siblings they will be Aunts and Uncles, has to be an amazing feeling. We won’t get that, people will know we are trying to get pregnant because I will be giving myself shots and going to never-ending doctor’s appointments. It doesn’t seem like something that will be easy to hide from everyone. There will be no surprise. I feel like during the two-week wait I am going to be stared at day after day, everyone will be waiting to see if it worked. Then we will sit in a doctor’s office and they will tell us if it did work. If it didn’t work, what do I say? What do I do? If it did work, it would change everything for us. More than likely, it will work and all will go well. I’m trying to stay out of the world of “what ifs”, that world is terrifying and a waste of my time, but sometimes we all visit that evil world.
I know this will get easier to understand and deal with over time. I’m so thankful that we decided to look into this now; so we have plenty of time to get comfortable and knowledgeable before the actual IVF procedure starts. It is just hard right now. Sitting in the doctor’s appointment, hearing things I did not understand, and thinking how I am going to get all of this straight is very overwhelming. I’ll be okay, we will be okay, and our future children will be okay; I just need to work through the confusion.
I’m excited to start thinking about the real possibility of Kevin and I having a family. I know he will make an amazing Dad. I cannot wait to look at them and hopefully see his smile, eyes, and overall love for life in them. I don’t mean to sound “woe is me” about this subject, nor do I want pity. I know thousands of people go through this all of the time. Just right now, in this moment, I am tired, confused, frustrated, excited, and scared. Most of all, I am thankful, so incredibly thankful, for doctors, nurses, science, and God for giving us the opportunity to raise a family of our own. Kevin and I are strong, we fought through everything that was supposed to bring us down. I know we will get through this too. I just cannot wait for the day when I can spill off all the information about this process without being confused or mixing up terms, or trying to figure out when I am supposed to take what test and where. It is a whole new world to us, I’m embracing it with open arms, and with a side of anxiety.