Even through heartache, life moves on. I am finding each day to be easier to get through. When we started the stimulating shots, life was put to a halt. The only thing that seemed to matter at that time was making sure my body was healthy, being careful to not hurt myself as my body was swelling, and trying desperately to stay awake. Tonight is the first night I have made a nice dinner in well over a month. I absolutely love to cook. When I am cooking I feel so much peace. Tonight I made Porcupine Meatballs (one of my Dad’s favorites). I even got to bake a pumpkin pie. I missed it so much! I was starting to feel like a real live human again. All of the “false” pregnancy symptoms have started to fade. I am starting to get myself back after one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I hardly remember the last month and half. My memory is still shot; which is very frustrating sometimes. I think my mind is so overwhelmed with making our dreams come true, it is having a hard time focusing. However, if I had to choose something to consume me, I would choose having children. This matters so much. This is a fight I would never be willing to give up.
It was incredibly painful to receive such bad news; especially after the amount of literal blood, sweat and tears that were put into it. I gave up my entire body just to try to get pregnant. You get through the difficult parts because you hope for positive pregnancy test at the end. We did not receive that perfect ending… yet. I am confident that one day our nurse will call us with news we have dreamed to hear. My Mom likes to remind me that the bad news was us being told “not yet.” To be childless is not our final destination. We have more options and chances.
This entire experience has been very emotional. I love the clump of cells I saw on our transfer day. I love them more than I could have ever imagined. I did everything I could to have helped it survive. It was the most pregnant I have ever been. For whatever reason, that embryo was not meant to be our baby. I bought a box to put the picture in to keep it as a part of our journey; but to also keep it out of my direct view. We are ready to use this as our strength to help us fight even harder to meet our goal.
Now Kevin and I are looking towards the future. We have frozen embryos that were saved from our fresh cycle. When my body is ready we will transfer a frozen embryo. While it is not clinically evident at this time, sometimes a frozen embryo transfer can be more successful. They believe this because the woman’s body is not as stressed. The hormone levels are at a more natural level. So let’s pray this next transfer will help us get one step closer to bringing Baby Jaye into this world!