Today is day 11 of our 2 week wait! It has been such a long 11 days. An emotional roller coaster is the only way to describe how it has felt. Everyday is harder and harder. Morning is always the hardest. I find myself crying every morning on the way to work. I think mornings are harder because it is the start of another day; another day of not knowing. You would think it would get easier because you know your testing is coming up sooner; however it is not easier. The idea that on Friday I will know if I am still pregnant or not, is almost too much to handle. I have not the slightest idea of what is going on in my body. I feel so many symptoms that would make a person who is not struggling with infertility, wonder if they were pregnant. However, the medications could completely be the culprit for the all the symptoms.
Afternoons are much easier to handle. I’ve started my day, I follow my routine and life goes on in a way. I probably think about it a gazillion times a day even in the afternoon. However, the sadness is less intense. I am in this day, I have to handle this day. I have two options; give up, lay at home crying all day, or try to make the best of each day and see how much stronger I can get. I am choosing to keep going each day. I am making the conscious effort to not give up, when it would be so easy to do.
Today I feel more hope than I have for several days. I’m not really sure why but I feel more of a sense of peace right now. Peace that what will come, will come. There is nothing I can do about it. I’ve taken my medication, my prenatal vitamins, I drink a ton of water, I relax when I can, no heavy lifting, zero caffeine has entered my system, I even wash my fruit and vegetables with actual veggie wash (crazy, I know). I lost weight before the procedures, exercised constantly. I gave this everything I have. I however, do not get to choose if our embryo does survive or not. My heart is begging for it to survive. My entire being wants nothing more than to get a positive beta test. I feel like at times I go through the stages of grief, even though I have nothing to grieve right now. I’ve promised God that I will be a good a mother and that our child will live in a home that knows nothing but love and to please give us a chance. I’ve begged, I’ve bargained, I’ve been angry, I’ve been sad. I’ve felt them all in a day. At the end of all of those emotions is the reminder, I am not in control here. I don’t get to choose if my pregnancy can be maintained because I have done everything I could do. I am a mother to these embryos and I have loved them unconditionally since they were just an idea. Since the thought of becoming a mother so many years ago ever crossed my mind, I have loved what I cannot yet hold in my arms.
In two days I will go into the doctor’s office to have my blood taken. I will drive back home and wait. Wait for the phone call that changes everything.
We have been keeping everyone updated and will continue to do so. Please understand that we will give the update when we are ready to. It may not happen on Friday, which does not mean something is necessarily wrong. No matter the outcome, this is part of our story. We appreciate all the prayers and support!