“Keep on climbing, though the ground might shake.” Maddie & Tae “Fly”
I have been listening to this song for awhile now. I found it during our last two week wait. I was thankful for the words in the song during and after the two week wait. The ground is still shaking. My heart is still broken. Maybe it always will be, but somehow, I need to find some peace from my grief. Peace would feel so much better than the emotions I have been running through. When I was taking Psychology classes, I learned that the stages of grief do not follow steps. You can visit each stage in any order, at any time. I think I started in these stages when we found out that we would not be able to have children on our own. That is a fact to grieve in itself. There’s a lot of feeling of loss with not being able to conceive on your own. After going through the two week wait and finding out our embryo did not survive was the beginning of a whole new grief cycle.
I tried to keep the mindset that this will happen when the time is right. However, that is becoming more of a struggle for me, a constant struggle. I believe Kevin and I are the definition of “all things happen for a reason.” There is a reason Kevin survived what he did; there is a reason we found each other again. I truly believe that. However, I struggle with why we also have to experience this pain. This pain is more than I would have ever imagined. It really is a roller coaster of emotions. You have no idea if you are going to be able to emotionally keep it together minute by minute. I can rarely verbalize how I feel because it often comes out as angry or tears. Neither emotion is something I feel like feeling. However, writing about it gives me the release I need, while keeping it together.
One of the hardest things for me is that I cannot participate in the pregnancy world. When someone brings up something about pregnancy, I cannot relate. I have no idea what it feels like to have your child move inside of you. I have no idea what it is like to see two pink lines. I have not the slightest idea of any of it. I feel like the outcast. I feel like the 16 year old, who has no right to get pregnant. When in all reality, I am 27 years old, successful, married and dying to be a Mother. I get to be asked, “do you have children” frequently. I know those people mean absolutely no harm when asking. It doesn’t really hurt me to be asked either. However, I wish I could always tell our story. I always just respond with a simple “no”. But what I really want to say is, “no, but this is what we are going through to try and have our family”. It is a part of our story and right now it is my life. However, my journey makes a lot of people uncomfortable so it is better to just stick with “no”.
I am a Christian. I believe that God exists and that he is watching over us. However, I struggle when I think that it is in God’s hands and that He might be saying I am not to be a mother. It is even harder when I watch others have babies over and over in less than favorable situations than I find myself in. I struggle believing that God would say it is a “good” time for 16 year old or a drug addict to have a baby but not for a 27 year old, financially stable, happily married woman. It really is a struggle… a struggle to accept, at times, God’s plan for us. However, the why me” road is not one I want to go down.. “Why me,” is not beneficial to anyone. I would never wish this one anyone else. I know that saying, “why me,” is like saying “why not someone else.” I would rather this be me than to ever watch someone I love go through it. I will never know why Kevin and I have to face this, but we do. I have to figure out, somehow, how to survive it.
I am a statistics person. It was one of my favorite classes in college. I find comfort in facts, reason, and logic. I like to control and understand why things happen. I am comfortable in those situations. I like to know my odds and then I can take what comes next. I am most comfortable when I am prepared. I had what we would say to everyone already prepared before we received our news from the beta testing. Our positive post was waiting in my phone, along with the negative that I, unfortunately, had to use. While it was difficult to have to use that, I was glad I was prepared. I researched the odds of IVF working and it is no where near 100%, 90% or even 70% of a chance. There is no guarantee that I will walk away from this journey with a baby in my arms. However, IVF, when compared to our less than 1% chance of it happening on our own, is a much higher chance of success and worth pursuing. I don’t understand God’s plan for us right now. But I am so thankful to God for bringing Kevin and I together. I know he has something amazing in store for us. And I am thankful that He has made it possible for us to meet and work with these amazing professionals who have the intelligence and interest to help us on our path to parenthood.
My ground is shaking. I am not steady on my feet as I try to figure out my place in all of this. I am trying to trust and have faith. I am constantly battling my heart and my head. God sent me the most amazing man to get through this journey with and I am so incredibly thankful for him. We are partners in this process and that in itself has made this journey easier on us both. We find strength in each other and help ourselves through the rough patches; always loving, always supportive. While God has always been a part of my life, I am working on finding more ways to invite him to all of my life. Here’s to a stronger, more faithful us, during one of the most difficult journeys of our lives.