If you’ve known me for long you probably are well aware that I have the strangest luck, at times no luck at all. I take the hard road for things, no matter how hard I try to make life easy. I am thankful that while my luck somewhat stinks sometimes, that it is down right awful. I have the type of the luck that sometimes makes me laugh. I saw a joke once that said, “I have as much luck as a bald man winning a comb.” I laughed probably way too long at that because the reliability of it was out of this world! I am the type of person who will go into basket BINGO and win 10 baskets that I have no care for and then walk out of the building to a flat tire.
The unfortunate part of this luck is that I often believe that good things cannot happen to me. If I want something too much, I feel like it is going to be out of reach for me. Thankfully, life has proven me wrong a million times. While I’ve experienced a failed marriage, I now have one that I wouldn’t trade for anything. While I’ve experienced infertility, I now have a beautiful baby girl in my arms. I am so thankful that life proves me wrong sometimes.
I still get hit with just unfortunate bad luck repeatedly. My husband and I took a birthing class that lasted 12 weeks. The program was called the Bradley Method. The purpose of the program is to help prepare you for a natural child birth. I was open to the idea that I may not have a fully natural child birth but I wanted a “tool box” so that I could make the most informed decisions and tolerate the pain the best that I can. Part of the program is monitoring what you are eating to ensure your body and baby are healthy. I followed the program. I ate healthy food and I stayed more active than I probably should have most days. The result… feeling like absolute crap about myself at each doctor appointment because I was gaining too much weight. By my doctors standards I should have gained 15-20 pounds. By the end of my pregnancy I gained 40 pounds. I tried everything to make it so that I would not gain the weight. Yet, at every appointment I had gained large amounts of weight. I tried to tell them I was loaded with fluid but they still insisted that I was not eating healthy. Sometimes I would gain 9 pounds in 2 weeks. I would have had to eat cake for every meal to do that weight gain… which I obviously didn’t. I started to cry going to every appointment because I could not stand feeling like I was not doing everything I should have to keep my daughter healthy. I fought so hard to have her, I was determined that I was going to give her the very best if I could just have her. Yet, at every appointment I was told I wasn’t do my best. I felt awful and nothing I did was helping.
Then it came time to have Claire, and if you read my previous post about her birth story, you know that it did not go as planned at all. I spent 3 days in the hospital being induced before we determined a c-section was my only option. The very thing I did everything I could to avoid, was now my only option. I remember thinking, I did not get my natural child birth but at least I will breast feed so I can have one experience I really wanted (aside from having my daughter).
Shouldn’t have said that…
Breast feeding has completely broken my heart. I was making colostrum when I was in the hospital. Everything appeared fine. Claire was latching perfectly. Then she stopped producing any output. After about a day of that, I realized that I must not be giving her the nourishment she needed. I lost my mind! I remember just holding her and bawling. I couldn’t have her on my own and now I cannot even feed her. I felt completely unequipped to be a mother and that she deserved so much more. I introduced formula to supplement because I could not bare the idea of pushing breast feeding while knowing she was not getting enough. After my meltdown, I learned that a mother’s milk may take longer to come in if you have a c-section and that may be all that was happening. So I would just need to supplement until my milk came in. By day 8, I was starting to produce milk when I pumped. Claire still screamed after I nursed her and I knew she was not getting enough food. She lost a little over a pound and more and more formula was needed. The irony of it all was I spent the entire pregnancy worried I was gaining too much and now the worry is Claire was not. I met with lactation several times and worked with the pediatrician. Nothing was working to make me make enough food for her. I tried supplements, power pumping, support groups, multiple consults with lactation, everything I could possibly think to try-I’m simply not producing. If you are reading this, know I cannot handle more suggestions because I’ve likely tried it, I’ve worked harder on this than most people ever do and I am doing the very best I can at it. It appears to have come down to a case of bad luck. Bad luck that broke my heart once again. Everything that I had dreamed would happen wasn’t going as planned at all. It feels selfish now that I say it because all that really matters is that Claire is healthy but my heart still breaks for all the parts of this story that went drastically differently than I thought they would. Sometimes they make me feel like a failure…even though I know deep down it is not true. I am still working on breast feeding. I’ve given myself a time limit before I decide that I’ve given it absolutely everything I can. That time limit is coming up and my luck isn’t proving any significant break through. I am sadden and frustrated by it. Eventually I will write more on this once I know which way this journey is going to go for us. Either way I know Claire will be okay and I am glad I’ve given myself the time to make decision for myself.
I have no idea why things just do not go as planned or follow the “norm” for me most of the time. My only hope with it is that someone else struggling won’t feel alone because I share my struggles. I do have good news… I’ve dropped 35 pounds already so only 5 more pounds are left! And the very best news… Claire is gaining plenty of weight and has surpassed her birth weight now. I have a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter and I know deep down that nothing else matters. I am still determined that I will give her the very best of everything I can…which she already has… my unconditional love.