A year later…
Today is one year from us finding out our fresh cycle failed. It is such a unique pain that it causes. There is no real word for it other than “failed implantation”. There is no real support for it either. Infertility and it’s treatments often leave you feeling a lone. While infertility is common, it doesn’t mean you have close people who also have been through the treatments and honestly it is sometime you pray to be alone with as you’d never want to see someone go through this.
I have a picture of our embryo that we transferred. I talked to it, I prayed for it and I dreamdt day after day about who he or she will be. The excitement I felt on transfer day was beyond compare. I was finally going to be pregnant. I’ve been around so many other peoples kids and watched so many other pregnancies for so long it was finally going to be my turn. I know without a doubt I did everything I could to make sure I took care of myself and to stay hopeful during the two week wait. Everyday got harder and the emotional roller coaster was hard to bare at times. By the day of testing, a year ago today, my heart was in pieces, completely shattered on the floor. I knew I lost but I still had to finish it out and get the blood work. I was so embarrassed to even be getting the blood work, like I didn’t deserve anyone’s time for it because I had somehow failed. It was one of my darkest days. I am so thankful for the kindness that I was shown at our doctors office, l will never forget them for that.
I survived it. Even though a year ago today I felt complete hopelessness, I somehow found the strength to keep this as a memory but to try again. I will never forget how I felt today. I will never forget the image of the embryo we transferred or the hopes and dreams I had. It still causes me heartache knowing that I will never know who I lost. I will always wonder. Now that I have Claire I know the depths of what was lost a year ago today when I look at its picture . I am thankful I had another chance and another embryo who eventually became the love of my life, my daughter.
It is amazing what can change in a year… someone’s entire world can be flipped either positively or negatively. I’m thankful for the positive. This will always be a part of my story. Having a baby doesn’t cure infertility. For every child we want to have we face this heartache and stress over and over. But my God is it worth it! I never knew a love as a strong as the one I feel for Claire. I continue to promise her the best of me, everyday and in every way I can. I will fail her some days, I know, but I hope she will always know how hard I tried and just how deep my love is for her.