Emotions are high, hopes are higher!

Yesterday was our first appointment with Shady Grove Fertility.   I spent hours researching infertility and some options we may or may not have.  I thought that would help me prepare for everything the doctor was going to say.  It didn’t.  I wasn’t prepared.  I felt like a deer in headlights.  I have no idea what all of the acronyms they throw out mean and I found myself frustrated.  We had to fill out a ton of paper work after the appointment.  It was like purchasing a house… with much tougher questions.  First, we had to decide if we would want our remaining embryos frozen after our first transfer.  Sure…  I think.

Then, there was this question…

“What do you want us to do with you embryos if something happens to two both of you?”

WHAT? I didn’t prepare for that question. It actually never crossed my mind that it would even be asked.   We will have frozen embryos just waiting for us to use them.  If one of us passes away, the embryos’ still belong to the living person.   This just makes me feel weird; I am making plans for my children before they are even conceived.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  I am trying to understand that it is okay to do this.  I am thanking God for giving us such brilliant people who will make it possible for us to have a family.

Then the question, “if you do not want them anymore can we do research on them or if they die what do you want us to do them the remaining tissue?”  Um… okay, it will help other people out right?

Who has to make decisions like this?  Why do we have to?  Why can’t we be like other people who can get pregnant naturally? If he wasn’t injured, this wouldn’t have been an issue.  I hate these questions and I feel bad for feeling them but… I feel them.  Kevin does not deserve to feel like this is his fault, because it is not his fault in the least bit.  I’m very much in love with him and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I know he feels guilty sometimes, but he shouldn’t.  If all of these things didn’t happen, I’m not sure that we would have been brought together.  So I will take the good, the bad, and the ugly because I found true honest love.

Then I think about all the exciting parts of the beginning of a pregnancy and it makes me a little bit sad.  Announcing to your husband that you are pregnant and the excited look on his face, what beats that (besides obviously his face when our child is brought into this world…man I cannot wait for that moment)?  Telling your parents that they are going to be Grandparents, telling your siblings they will be Aunts and Uncles, has to be an amazing feeling.  We won’t get that, people will know we are trying to get pregnant because I will be giving myself shots and going to never-ending doctor’s appointments.  It doesn’t seem like something that will be easy to hide from everyone.  There will be no surprise.   I feel like during the two-week wait I am going to be stared at day after day, everyone will be waiting to see if it worked.  Then we will sit in a doctor’s office and they will tell us if it did work.  If it didn’t work, what do I say? What do I do?  If it did work, it would change everything for us.  More than likely, it will work and all will go well.  I’m trying to stay out of the world of “what ifs”, that world is terrifying and a waste of my time, but sometimes we all visit that evil world.

I know this will get easier to understand and deal with over time.  I’m so thankful that we decided to look into this now; so we have plenty of time to get comfortable and knowledgeable before the actual IVF procedure starts.  It is just hard right now.  Sitting in the doctor’s appointment, hearing things I did not understand, and thinking how I am going to get all of this straight is very overwhelming.  I’ll be okay, we will be okay, and our future children will be okay; I just need to work through the confusion.

I’m excited to start thinking about the real possibility of Kevin and I having a family.  I know he will make an amazing Dad.  I cannot wait to look at them and hopefully see his smile, eyes, and overall love for life in them.  I don’t mean to sound “woe is me” about this subject, nor do I want pity.  I know thousands of people go through this all of the time.  Just right now, in this moment, I am tired, confused, frustrated, excited, and scared.  Most of all, I am thankful, so incredibly thankful, for doctors, nurses, science, and God for giving us the opportunity to raise a family of our own.  Kevin and I are strong, we fought through everything that was supposed to bring us down.  I know we will get through this too.  I just cannot wait for the day when I can spill off all the information about this process without being confused or mixing up terms, or trying to figure out when I am supposed to take what test and where.  It is a whole new world to us, I’m embracing it with open arms, and with a side of anxiety.

Every season brings new beginnings and new life.

Every season brings new beginnings and new life.

The Story of Us

Ten years ago, in 2005, I met a man named Kevin.  We met when we were going to Community College. I was going to school for teaching and he was going for computers. We had a chance to be together at that time but we were always just friends.  It wasn’t because we didn’t enjoy being around each other or a lack of compatibility.  It was simply just what worked for us at the time.  We enjoyed being friends and we talked all the time through AIM or text , although I had to limit those since we had to pay for each one back then! Our conversations were always interesting and were compiled of the most random topics.  He really understood my sense of humor.  I could be myself from the beginning of our friendship. I was always considered the “quiet” (which I absolutely HATE being called, whether it is true or not) girl.  With Kevin it was different, I could say or do anything and he just rolled with it, no judgement, ever.  Although, I am sure some days he would love to see my quiet side!

One of the last times I remember seeing Kevin, was when he met me for dinner after work one night.  Kevin was working in Fairfax, so I did not see him much after he moved.  We stayed in touch through social media and text messages but those became far and few between as time went by.  Eventually, we both started dating other people.  Kevin and I checked in once in a while to see how the other was doing.

Kevin joined the Army after his job in Fairfax and I became a Teacher.  He was engaged to someone and I was getting ready to get married in a few months.  In 2012, Kevin deployed to Afghanistan.  On June 24, 2012 Kevin an IED forever impacted his life and all those who love him.  Kevin lost his right leg below the knee, pinky, and among other injuries, he suffered tremendous damage to his left leg..  On June 30, 2012 I got married.

After returning to the states and only a couple of days after my wedding, Kevin sent me a message on Facebook congradulating me on my marriage.  I remember thinking, he is absolutely insane for even caring that I got married after what he is going through! We stayed in touch once in a while through Facebook because he was posting regular updates about his recovery.  I was proud to know such a courageous person after watching the beginning of his recovery through his Facebook post.  He stood true to be the man I had met many years ago.

After just a few short months of marriage, I left my husband on November 10, 2012.  I suffered through months of emotional abuse and determined that the marriage was not able to be saved (more on that on a later blog).  I didn’t post much about it on Facebook so Kevin didn’t find out until Christmas when I wished him a Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas and checked in on his recovery. Yes, he is a Christmas baby!

We stayed in touch through Facebook and text messages for a while after Christmas. It was like no time had passed since the last time we talked.  We were always able to find something new to talk about.  At the end of January, I went to visit Kevin at Walter Reed.  I’ll never forget the first time I saw him again.  I was lost on the base (they way the number buildings does not make sense and I’m sticking to it!) and he was trying to help me find my way through the phone.  Eventually I made it into the correct building. As I was walking down a long hallway I came across an intersection.  As soon as I turned into the next hallway he was standing there.  The same Kevin I knew from many years ago.  Yeah sure, he was missing some body parts but he was the same fun loving guy who could give you the strongest hug in the world.  While I was visiting, Kevin was determined to get me hooked on the Walking Dead. We spent most of the time catching up and watching Walking Dead.  Needless to say, I got hooked..  I went home and binge watched the Walking Dead until I got caught up!  I also got my sister addicted to the show!

On March 23, 2013 I went to visit Kevin at Walter Reed again.  This time we went shopping for upcoming family birthday’s, lunch at Chili’s and then a movie. I still cannot remember of the name of the movie to this day!  Actually, let me tell you what I remember about the movies that day… there appeared to be a lack of oxygen in the theater and the heat was cranked up because my palms were sweaty!  Okay, maybe it was because I was so incredibly nervous that I couldn’t breathe!  Do you know that feeling you get when you just know something is about to happen and it is going to change your life? You know that one in the bottom of your gut that is just screaming for you to please listen? That was the feeling and it was overwhelming in the most beautiful way.  From the moment we sat down in the theater something was different.  I remember Kevin was messing around and kept grabbing at my hand (it was the best move he had… have to give him credit though, it worked).  Then one time he grabbed my hand and he didn’t let go.  I sat for the rest of the movie trying to breath quietly!  All I could hear was my own breathing and I thought for sure he could hear me breathing like a cow. After the movie was over, he kissed me.

Everything changed.

When I got into my car to leave Walter Reed the song “Begin Again” by Taylor Swift was on the radio.  This song could not possibly describe my situation more.  It was like I needed to hear it to confirm that I am where I need to be.  As soon as I could I sent a text to a few of my closest friends.  Their reply was… they knew this was going to happen!

I started visiting Kevin at Walter Reed as much as I could.  Over the summer he had surgeries so I was able to stay some of the time since I was off school.  Kevin was at Walter Reed for the first year and a half of dating.  Eventually he was able to come home to visit more. When he couldn’t I went down almost every weekend.  On January 27, 2015 he officially medically retired from the Army.  Now we live in a home that I had purchased before we were dating.  It is a two-story home that is not easily accessible for Kevin.  It is a nightmare of steps! We recently received amazing news from Homes For Our Troops.  They will be building us a home that will be modified to meet Kevin’s needs!  We are so excited to have that extra stress taken off our plate!  Kevin will have the amazing opportunity to live more independently again!

Kevin and I both hit some rough patches from the time we met until the time we reconnected.  Without a doubt we were brought back together for a reason.  I can honestly say I am marrying my best friend.  He knows me at my worst and at my best.  Kevin does not hold my flaws against me, instead he loves me through them all (and when I say “all” I mean millions!).  He knows my past and accepts it all, he just focuses on our future, that is what really matters. We are looking forward to new adventures with getting married (August 1, 2015), having a home built by Homes For Our Troops, and starting our own family.

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