Do you every get up in the morning and just feel miserable with yourself? I do every single morning.
I hate this body… there I said it. It does not make any sense and I am so frustrated with it.
I wish I could be the body positive person that says they love how big there legs are because they are strong and get them places. Or they love their belly because it reminds them of where their baby grew. I am not that person. I can tell someone everyday how beautiful they are, how they are strong, etc, etc. I cannot tell myself that. I am wildly disappointed in my body, therefore, myself. There is so much I know I should be thankful for, trust me, I get that. I am thankful for a lot. But it does not mean I can accept my body like I should.
Why put so much emphasis on how you look you might ask. I have no idea. I wish I did not care as much as I do. I care about the number on the scale. I care that my pants do not fit. I care that I cannot seem to get a handle on weight. I care so incredibly much. I feel like my outer image defines me. It is the first thing the world sees about me. I want to be perceived as someone who takes care of themselves. I want people to know how much I take care for my daughter and family. I want them to know my family eats healthy three times a day (for the most part, I am not super human). That I try really really hard to provide a healthy lifestyle and consistency. But when you look at your own body and see things you never thought you’d see, you question if you are doing anything right. I question if I really am providing a healthy life for my family if my body is not responding well.
I am so frustrated with where I am at right now. After I had my daughter, I lost all of the baby weight. I was back to where I was before IVF and pregnancy within a few weeks. It was amazing, since I had gained 42 pounds while pregnant! Most of it was fluid though, although doctors never believed me. I did so well for several months. I started an anxiety medication and did not realize that weight gain was a significant side effect of the medicine. I started putting on pounds. I switched medicine because of stomach problems and I became so depressed. I put on a ton of weight with in a months time. Now, I am way past pre-pregnancy weight. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am obsessed.
I want to get up in the morning and put on clothes that I feel comfortable in. I want to not analyze every picture of me that is taken. I want to smile and not worry about a double chin popping up in a picture. My husband says I am beautiful, I want to honestly believe him. I want to be a positive role model for my daughter. Right now, in terms of body imagine, I am a terrible role model. I do not say things in front of her. But I know one day she will know how I feel about myself if I do not get a handle on this.
This post is raw about some deep feelings that are going on in my head. I feel better just saying how I feel though and maybe just admitting how I feel is the groundwork to healing. I am not a confident person. I struggle like most people do. I am trying and I hope some day soon to be able to look in the mirror and at least like the person I see looking back at me. I’ve tried just getting over it and forgetting it, but it just keeps creeping up on me. I exercise and I eat well but I am just struggling to love myself. I feel that losing the weight may not even fix how angry I am with my body. So I hope while on a journey of losing weight I will find ways to love myself that have nothing to do with my weight too. If you struggled and have ideas for self-love let me know! I am open to ideas – just NO sales pitches please!